The power of being vulnerable

This post is for a particular someone, if it is you, you will know who you are.

You feel scared and shut down because you had an argument with someone who you care about. You may have even hurt them deeply. You want to fix things and receive their love, but you don’t want to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is scary. It means you could be hurt or rejected.

If this is you,

breathe.

You are not alone.

This feeling of fear is universal.

And it’s valid.

Being vulnerable is a paradox. In order to build a connection with someone, it is crucial that we open up to them, but letting a partner or friend know our thoughts, feelings, challenges, and weaknesses can open us up to criticism or attack.

I know, I’ve been there. The last time I deeply loved someone, I let my relationship with them end because I was too scared to share my fears and anxieties with them – and it’s something I still regret to this day. Since then, I’ve learned new vocabulary and some important strategies for being vulnerable that I would like to share with you. These teachings are not my own, they are a result of deep conversations with loved ones and through readings from Brene Brown, someone I greatly admire. Below, I’ll break these down for you.

First, let’s talk about what vulnerability is.

In Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” It is what happens when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to let go of control. To many people, being vulnerable is a sign of weakness.

But, it’s important to remember that when we think about the times we have been the most vulnerable or emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage. These times may have been huge life events, like the loss of a loved one or a breakup, but it’s just as present in those tiny moments of fear that pop up when we share our feelings with another person or ask for forgiveness.

“What most of us fail to understand…is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave,” says Dr. Brown. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy courage, empathy, and creativity.” So while writing that text or email to someone we hurt may be scary, it is also opening ourselves up to the opportunity to make new friends or explore the potential for love. But if we run away when those shaky feelings arise, we are just reinforcing the voice in our head that says I’m not good enough.

How do we tend to avoid vulnerability?

According to Dr. Brown, we usually tend to use three methods to “armor up” to avoid feeling shame, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. These tend to change from person to person, but she describes them as striving for perfection, numbing out, or disrupting joyful moments by “dress rehearsing tragedy” and imagining all the ways that things could go wrong. But all of these armors have a negative impact, without vulnerability, there is no love, no belonging, and no joy.

So, how do we become comfortable with vulnerability?

We can be mindful of when we feel vulnerable and work with our feelings. Adopting a practice of openness and awareness of our own thoughts, feelings, and triggers can help us recognize when we are disengaging because we are afraid.

Recognize that facing vulnerability takes enormous courage.

Take small steps (like asking someone what they are thinking) and be proud of our bravery when we do.

Let go of the constant worry about what other people think of us.

Most people are focused on their own internal struggles, not us.

Feeling overwhelmed?

Focus our attention gently on our breath and the sensations in our body for a few moments before returning our attention back to the task at hand.

Don’t worry about being perfect, don’t even consider it.

No one is perfect, and the more we hold ourselves to an impossible ideal, the more easily we will give up.

If you want to learn more about Brene Brown, check out Daring Greatly or some of her other work on her website.

If you want more specific steps on how to be vulnerable in a personal relationship, check out this Bustle article.

Also, please leave a comment, I’d love to know if this resonated.